Screen Time
by Tally Mai-chan
Summary: Kotetsu and Izumo are granted the power to change reality by a witch and their itching for some more screen time. They will be minor characters no more! Rated T 13 for language and other stuff ;D Serious Crack fic


Screen Time

Summary: Kotetsu and Izumo are granted the power to change reality by a witch and their itching for some more screen time. They will be minor characters no more!!!

Me: Hello! Please don't ask why I'm writing this! Cuz I have no clue! Yeah! I go bored writing my other stories and needed a break from them so this is what happened. Enjoy ^__^

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto**

Chapter 1: Witchy reality

* * *

"Kotetsu"

"Izumo?"

"Have you ever wondered our about our cosmic place in the universe?"

"Um... I... guess? Yeah.... why???"

"Well... it's just that... I'm begging to feel small and insignificant and that I'm just a tiny dust particle in the large expanse of space whose life will have no impact what so ever."

"....... You've thought a lot about this haven't you?"

"It keeps me up at night."

"You have impact on my life."

"You're a friend, I mean come on. We've known each other since we were babies."

"So?"

"Never mind...."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No...."

"You'll feel better about it."

"I'm good."

"You're going to tell me sooner or later."

"Okay fine if you're so insistent about it then..."

"Yeah?"

"It's just that I feel like-"

"WILL YOU TWO STOP GABBING AND START WORKING!" Tsunade's powerful and angry voice jarring the two Konoha jounin, Kotetsu and Izumo, from their chat. The Hokage didn't stop at just yelling, for good measure she threw her chair at them also.

The two males just dodged the lethal furniture just in time and looked up at Tsunade leaning outside of her broken window from her office above their heads.

Kotetsu and Izumo were standing under the window waiting for an important delegate from the hidden sand village when Tsunade opened the window to her office and over heard the two jounin talking. This delegate was very critical to new development between Konoha and Suna and there fore can not be messed up so of course it matter to her greatly if her two greeters were paying the up most attention.

"Don't you know how important this delegate is!?" Tsunade screamed at them and started into a long rant about the man and the overall importance to building up their relationship to suna.

Kotetsu and Izumo nodded their heads tediously, toning out the mad Hokage. This was the twentieth time they had received this lecture, they heard it so many times from the woman that they could quote it word for word.

"Do you idiots understand?" Tsunade growled from above, glaring at them darkly. They nodded and with a huff Tsunade barked orders at Shizune to get her window fixed.

"we are nothing more than unimportant extras that have no meaning and do absolutely nothing important." Izumo finished his earlier sentence.

"I know what you mean." Kotetsu said sympathetically. Yes they were the jounins that got the lest amount of action. It was expected of course, being assistants to the Hokage but when they signed up at the time to be assistants it sounded like a good idea.

Of course they signed up after the Orochimaru and sand invasion and half the jounin kicked the bucket becoming assistants sounded like an excellent idea. To bad they forgot to figure in their rotten luck, ever since they were genin they got the lowest most boring missions. Even when they became chunins and shortly after jounins all they ever got were standard A-typical missions that would bore anyone to tears.

It was time for a change.

"Look, there he is" Izumo said quickly, pointing out the out of place man escorted by his guards come towards the office.

"Well let's get this over with" Kotetsu muttered, bracing himself for the drudgery work of standing behind Tsunade while she talked doing nothing, like always.

* * *

"I never, ever want to see Tsunade that drunk again." Kotetsu whined as he and Izumo walked home later that night the apartment they shared, and don't go taking this the wrong way. They were nothing more than roommates that have known each other for a long time.

They were officially off duty and the were never more glad to be off the job.

After Tsunade finished her heavy conference with the suna delegate they both decided to celebrate the new level of friendship between their tow countries by getting drunk, really drunk.

The beer poured like rain into their mouths as the night carried on, the ever increasing amount of liquor consumed rose by the gallons as Tsunade and the delegate drank to their good and merry health. After their 30th drink or so when the delegates body guard--who were also drunk-- and Kotetsu and Izumo-- who remained sober knowing they will be the ones to look after Tsunade the next morning-- weren't looking Tsunade and the delegates snuck out of the office and have a fiesta in the red light district.

And guess which sober jounin got the job of running after them and brining them back, yes them, Kotetsu and Izumo. They did their job with pride though, even when Izumo had to carry back a naked suna delegate and Kotetsu and very angry, and very violent Tsunade.

"I'm just thankful that she can't use her super strength when under the influence like that." Kotetsu pulled out the keys to their apartment and opened the door.

"What the hell." Izumo curses as he turned on the lights. Their entire apartment was trashed, trashed like no tomorrow, trashed like a hurricane just passed through, trashed like their apartment was broken into and robbed.

"I don't believe this!" Kotetsu cried as he walked around their home, carefully avoiding pieces of glass and debris. "How the hell robs ninjas! Jounin no less!" He cried in mental anguish in their small kitchen over the pile of broken ceramic plates given to him by his late mother.

"Ack!" Izumo cried out after inspecting his room. "They stole my bed!"

"How the hell did they steel your bed? It doesn't fit through the door!"

"Then how did we get in their in the first place? This place wasn't furnished when we got it."

"Summon scrolls"

"Ah"

"Dangit! We're jounin! We shouldn't let this thing slide!" Kotetsu wanted revenge, no one smashed his late mothers pottery and got away with it.

"Yeah!" Izumo shouted in agreement. "I want my bed back! Let's go hunt down those bastards that so dared to steal from Kotetsu and Izumo! The greatest jounin in all of Konoha!"

"That's pushing it."

"Yeah.." Izumo sweat dropped as they charged out of their apartment, only to be stopped at the door by their very ticked landlord.

"I'm going to have to ask you guys to keep the noise level down." The grumpy old man wheezed. "The neighbors are complaining about you."

"Um well you see-" Izumo began.

"What the hell did you guys do!?" The man grasped his heart in shock at the horrible condition of their room. "You irresponsible youngin' partying has gone on long enough!"

"But this is the first time anything like this has ever happened!" Kotetsu tried to explain.

"Excuses!" Landlord took his walking crane and started to hit the two males over the head repeatedly.

"Ow! But we were robbed! They stole my bed!" Izumo added.

"Out! Out! Out!" The landlord cried whacking them harder across the head. The two males ran back into their room, dodging the barrage of broken glass and ceramic the old man threw at them all the while. They shoved their closes a few possessions into their bags before jumping out the window and running off into the night.

"I can't believe we were kicked out!" Kotetsu panted to a stop after they put a few blocks between them and their grumpy ex-landlord. "All because we were robbed... man, can this day get any worse... Izumo?"

"My bed!" Izumo screamed, but it wasn't a shout of joy, no it was quite the opposite. Placed at the entrance to a dark alley way across the street was Izumo's bed with something moving on it. "There's two dogs doing it on my bed!"

"Well apparently things can get worse for you." Kotetsu snickered as Izumo foamed at the mouth while chasing off the two merry dogs but not before the stud muffin guy dog peed all over his leg.

"ARGH!" Izumo wildly shook his leg in the air, all the while cussing and swearing. "I hate dogs!"

"Too bad for you man!" Kotetsu slapped Izumo on the back, laughing at his friends misfortune.

"Hey" Izumo said sharply, jabbing Kotetsu in the ribs with his elbow. "Isn't that shady guy over there holding one of your late mothers ceramics?"

"By kami your right! That's the guy that robbed our home!" Kotetsu lunged forward running after the man, Izumo on his heels. The man turned around around and saw the very ticked off jounin males and started shouting and shaking his hands out in front of him.

"No! Wait guys it's me!" The man screamed for them to stop. Kotetsu growled like a feral animal before tackling that man to the ground and landed punch after punch on him. "Stop!" The man screamed, holding his now broken nose.

"Get him Kotetsu! Get him!" Izumo stood behind his life long friend, throwing punches into the air and random, pointless, shouts of support. Kotetsu grabbed the mans head and rubbed his face in the ground. Then he kicked him hard between the legs.

"Get off me you idiots!" The man screamed, pulling Kotetsu off him, and walked into the artificial light of a street lamp.

"Iruka!" The two unlucky jounin left their life slowly drain away from them as the very ticked off academy teacher scowl.

"You two better have a good explanation for this." Iruka growled while Kotetsu and Izumo bowed before him begging for forgiveness

(20 minutes of explaining later...)

"So let me get this straight..." Iruka said as he finished his bowl of Ichiaku ramen. As part of Kotetsu and Izumo's punishment for hitting them they had to treat him to ramen. "You guys had to retrieve a drunken Tsunade and naked suna delegate from the red-light district, returned home to find your apartment ransacked and kicked out because of said ransacking, then you mistook me as the man that smashed Kotetsu's late mothers ceramics."

"That's pretty much it." Izumo sighed as he stared into the empty hollow known once as a full and plump wallet.

"Please Iruka." Kotetsu pleaded, "Can we stay at your place for a while?" The two jounins looked as pitiful as possible as they started into Iruka's eyes. They knew that male had a weakness for pitiful looking people.

"Well okay," Iruka sighed as he caved. Him and his 'helping-people-that-looked-pitiful' complex.

* * *

(later at the front door to Iruka's apartment)

"Well guys here it is," Iruka said as he opened the door. "One of you can have the couch and the I'm sure the other could fit in the bathtub."

"I call couch!" Kotetsu quickly chimed in, grinning down at Izumo who most undoubtedly had the slowest reflexes of all the jounins.

"I hate you." He growled at his friend. Kotetsu snickered at his friend and walked into the small room leading into the actual apartment.

"Well I'm going straight to bed and- OH MY GOSH!" Iruka stood stunned in the second doorway leading into his apartment, foaming at the mouth, his eyes white.

"Oh wow." Kotetsu and Izumo said at the same time.

"Iruka... I never knew..." Izumo said, appalled.

"I change my mind I want bathroom." Kotetsu choked on his own saliva at the sight before him.

Iruka's entire apartment was covered from top to bottom in an explosion of pink. Pink curtains, pink carpet, pink throw pillows. A layer of lace edged everything from the pink wallpaper borders to the cushions on the pink couch that had giant stuffed teddy bears on it.

"What happened to my apparent!" Iruka walked into his pink house dazed, slowly he picked up on of the laced covered throw pillows, turning it around in his hands.

"Looks like valentine's day ate too much chocolate and threw up in your house." Izumo laughed, trying in vain to hold back his sinkers.

"Looks like Iruka is expecting his boyfriend." Kotetsu snickered as he held up a pain of leopard undies that was laying on the ground.

"OUT!" Iruka exploded. "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

Needless to say Kotetsu and Izumo didn't linger but on their way out they saw Kakashi standing next to the door reading his book.

"Cheating on me Iruka?" The silvered haired jounin asked offended as the two running jounin sent horrified and disgusted looks at him while they ran.

"I hate you Kakashi." Iruka sneered before slamming the door in Kakshi's face.

"I'm guessing that tonights a no" Kakashi said blankly as he blushed behind his book and to think he was so excited to try some of the stuff in his book.

* * *

That night Kotetsu and Izumo, proud shinobi of Konoha one of the greatest shinobi villages, slept in a dark alley covered in nothing more than a carbord box-- which Kotetsu quickly claimed-- and a dead dog much to Izumo's disgust but atlas the dog had fur and fur meant warmth. He didn't care that the dog was rotting and had larva spewing from its cut open belly.

And before you starting thinking "Why don't they just rent a room at some motel?" Well sad to tell you think but most motels and inns in Konoha are closed after midnight and the time that the two unfortunate jounin found a place to sleep... 4:30 am. Also it just wouldn't be funny or helpful to the story if they had a good nights rest now would it?

* * *

(a few hours later)

"Wha time iz ih'?" Kotetsu mumbled as the bright morning light landed on his face. Still half asleep he pulled the carbord box off him and shook Izumo who was cuddling the dead dog in his arms.

"Five more minutes" He muttered.

"Wake up man, we got work." Kotetsu kicked the dog out of Izumo's arms and grabed the man's wrists pulling him out of the alley.

"I hate dogs.." Izumo growled as he rubbed his eyes. "I hate them even more when their dead."

"Come on, we got work to do, we can't be slacking off."

"Oh man... Tsunade's going to have the hangover of the century..."

* * *

"YOU'RE LATE!" Tsunade screamed as she hurled her desk at the door. Kotetsu and Izumo jumped out of the way just in time to dodge and with bowed heads they entered the belly of the beast.

"Please forgive us Tsunade-sama" Izumo said quickly, dodging yet another office furniture assault. "We had a hard night and-"

"HARD NIGHT?" Tsunade laughed ridiculously, "YOU THINK YOU HAD A HARD NIGHT?"

"Well... yes... I mean... no...I-I don't know!"

"I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT A HARD NIGHT! TRY HAVING TWO FRIGGEN OLD PEOPLE SCREAM AT YOU ALL NIGHT LONG OUT PROPER BEHAIVOR AND TELLING ME I'M NOT A WORTHY HOKAGE AND THAT JIRIAYA, JIRIAYA OF ALL PEOPLE WOULD DO A BETTER JOB THAN ME!"

"We didn't know!" Kotetsu apologized, bowing so deeply that his forehead almost touched the floor. "We are truly sorry."

"Be sure it doesn't happen again." Tsunade said darkly. "Now go fetch me some aspirin, I have a massive migraine.

And so Kotetsu and Izumo's day when by fetching aspirin and other random things for Tsunade and doing menial tasks. One of said menial tasks was to wash Akamaru-- who had rolled around in Tonton's pig poo, another task was acting as live targets for fresh academy students first kunai throwing lesson. They even had to wash Tsunade's summon slug, that was NOT fun.

Finally after a long day of pointless tasks Kotetsu and Izumo were out on the streets with no place to go and not a penny to their name. All their money was spent last night treating Iruka to ramen.

"What now," Izumo whined as the two of them walked down one of Konoha's busiest streets, watching the sun sink slowly into the mountainous horizon, they stared enviously as a plate of steaming stir fry siting at a restaurant table. "I'm so hungry..."

"Dine and dash?" Kotetsu suggested, thinking it over.

"Do you wanna know what will happen if Tsunade found out that two jounin dined and dashed?" Izumo said simply, ending the subject. Luckily for them their chance for food and board came strutting right around the corner.

"Hey guys." Ibiki said as he rounded the corner only to run into two very downhearted jounin. "I heard about your apartment."

Kotetsu and Izumo forced smiles on their faces as they slowly nodded, they like many of the other jounin were terrified at the interrogation master.

"If you guys want you can stay at my place, I have some extra room, my last room mates moved out you see."

"Y-yeah..." Kotetsu found himself agreeing, yes the thought of staying at Ibikis place was traumatizing but they were hungry and would not spend another night on the street with nothing more than carbord and a dead dog to sleep with.

"L-lead the way." Izumo said quickly, thinking about food, eating food and digesting food.

"Alright, my place isn't that far, just a few blocks away in fact."

* * *

"Here it is, home sweet home." Ibiki said proudly as they three of then stood in front of Ibiki's house which was right next to the Inuzuka compound-- much to Izumo's disliking. The house was certainly not what they had quite expected.

None of the jounin knew where Ibiki lived but they had their theories One such theory was that he was vampire that slept in the forest and drank the virgin blood of some of his captives. Another he slept in the jail so that he could fall asleep to the mangled cries of the damned.

But the house Kotetsu and Izumo saw was not the spooky or creepy house the jounin always imagined him living in. IT was a plain while house was a freshly mowed lawn and a white picket fence surrounding his property. There were flower boxes in the window stills and a pink flamingo law ordainment standing next to oriental grass.

"Well," Ibiki waved a large hand in front of their faces. "Are you just going to stand their or are you going to come on in?" The two unlucky jounin followed Ibiki into house dazed. The inside was just as homely and so unlike Ibiki as the outside was. "Here Crusher!" Ibiki pulled a piece of raw meat from his pocket as a massive Great Dane jumped up from the white couch and onto Ibiki. The dog's head retching halfway up the mans chest.

"Crusher..." Izumo tugged on his collar as the dog chew happily on its piece of raw meat.

"Yeah, he's my dog." Ibiki said proudly, patting the dog on the head, "Well you guys just make yourself comfortable and I'll make dinner."

So Kotetsu and Izumo sat down on the couch and stared in detached wonder at Ibiki's house. It wasn't pleasant, well at lest it wasn't pleasant for Izumo, when Crusher started to hump Izumo's leg and Kotetsu snickering at him.

"Dinners ready!" Ibiki called from the kitchen, wasting no time they left the living room and a very sad Crusher and were meet with the sight of a 5 course dinner fit for a king. Everything was homemade and smelled delicious.

"Wow Ibiki-san!" Izumo practically drooled over the food. "I never knew you could cook!"

"A lot of people don't know that about me." Ibiki sighed as he dug in, heaping piles of food on to his plate. The other two quickly followed suit.

"What's this meat?" Kotetsu asked, carefully chewing on a tender piece of grilled meat. "It's something I don't think I've ever tasted, It's sweet and spicy and savory. Not to mention juicy."

"I agree." Izumo grabbed another piece for himself. "It has a rich tangy after taste."

"I used my own seasoning" A sly smile slid over Ibiki's face as his guests ate piece after piece of the mystery meat.

"What is it?" They both asked at the same time.

"Human." Ibiki smiled as they gave him puzzled looks so he explained. "You see, whenever we at the interrogation squad get the information we need from someone who is not from this village we have to dispose of the body. We can't bury it or send it back to the village and we can't burn it because not only dose it smell but it is also costly so..." He paused, watching the sicking horror growing on the two males faces. "we eat them."

"OH MY GOSH!" They both screamed as they ran out of the kitchen and far, far away from Ibiki's house.

Stifling his laughter Ibiki smiled. "Eahahaha, gets them every time."

* * *

"And now were back to square one!" Izumo yelled into the black night sky. "We are homeless and sick to our stomachs!"

"Well look on the bright side." Kotetsu said trying to calm down his friend. "Things can't get worse any worse than they are now."

And then it started to rain, hard, and thunder flashed and lightning crashed.

"You just had to say it didn't you!" Izumo yelled. "You just had to!"

"Hey!" Kotetsu retaliated. "I'm just trying to keep optimistic here!"

"Optimistic?" Izumo screamed as he pulled out a kunai. "I'll show you optimistic!" With a crazed laughed he lunged at his life long friend. Kotetsu also pulled out a kunai and they exchanged a series of blows but that stopped quickly enough when a lightning stick landed dangerously close. So they opted to throw away their metal weapons and wrestle in the mud.

"This has to be your fault!" Kotetsu accused, throwing a handful of mud at Izumo's face.

"My fault? MY FAULT!" Izumo screamed as he elbowed Kotetsu in the gut. " Who keeps saying that things can't get any worse when they always do!"

"Excuse me..."

"As I said!" Kotetsu kicked Izumo in a very sensitive spot. "I'm just trying to stay on the bright side of things!"

"Excuse me!"

"I hate the bright side! I hate it!" Izumo punched Kotetsu in the jaw. "The bright side always has dogs!"

"EXCUSE ME!"

Kotetsu and Izumo instantly stopped their fight and turned to see a very beautiful but rather oddly dressed woman watch them.

"Y-yes" The two males stuttered. The woman flashed then kind smile.

"You guys look like your down on your luck" They nodded their heads, staring at the womans rather large chest. "I can help you." The woman smiled. "You see, I'm a witch."

"A witch?" Kotetsu asked skeptically. The woman merely smiled as she pulled a silver wand out from the folds of her clothes and with a simple wave the rain instantly stopped and another flourish and all three of them were perfectly dry and not a spot of mud on the two males. "Okay so you are a witch"

"How dose this help us?" Izumo asked, a ray of hope burning in his eyes.

"Well..." The witch began stroking her long silver hair. "I'm a special witch, meaning I can grant two mortals the power to bend, manipulate or change reality."

"Say what?" They asked, stunned, this had to be some joke, it just had to be. There was no way this could be real, maybe it was some sick two day dream that Tsunade put them into as some sort of sick prank.

"Do you or do you not want to ability to change reality." The woman asked, her silver eyes flashed in annoyance. "I don't have forever, well I'll live forever but I don't want to spend eternity waiting for you two to make up your minds."

"Hell yeah!" They shouted. "We want it! We want it!"

"Good." The woman smiled. "Now just close your eyes" They did. "And I will pass on the power."

"How do you give the power top change reality?" Izumo asked but was cut off halfway by the woman kissing him. "So thats how...."

"Wow can she kiss." Kotetsu said dreamily as the woman pulled away from his kiss.

"Good luck boys." She flashed them one last smile before disappearing in a flash of silver smoke.

"I don't feel any different..." Kotetsu commented, looking at his hands. "Do you think we've been duped?" Before Izumo had the chance to answer a dog walked out of near by alley and peed on Izumo's leg.

"Stupid mutt!" The ticked off jounin screamed. "I hate dogs! Drop dead you mangy mutt!" He cursed and then screamed in shock, for not moments after he wished ill will upon the dog did it really drop dead and die.

"Izumo..." Kotetsu breathed, his eyes wide. "Maybe... Maybe we did get powers."

"No..." Izumo said, trying to piece together some logical explanation. "Maybe it was an old dog... I mean, powers to bend reality? So if I just stand here holding out my hand and wish for a silver plater filled with cream puffs it will appear?... OLLY SHIT!"

A silver plater of cream puffs did appear on the jounins hands and with another thought the plater disappeared.

"My friend..." Kotetsu smiled as he imagined the possibilities. "Welcome to the bright side."

* * *

Me: Muahahaha! I can't say that I did not enjoy torturing Kotetsu and Izumo. Well** please review **^__^ Reviews mean another chapter!!!


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